It might happen, through the vagarities of life, that you are stuck in a situation, where, you need to order only one Panamanian beer to quench your thirst, impress a client, or seduce a really hot human (we don’t judge). You might be at a loss but I got you covered. My pleasure.

There are four brands of beer that are readily available everywhere and made nationally, Balboa, Panama, Atlas and Soberana.

Soberana is, thanks to our unscientific poll of three people, the bottom of the barrel. I think it is named for the absolute impossibility of getting even a cheap buzz off this beer. At 3,8% ABV I currently have fruits fermenting in the fridge that pack a stronger punch. You can drink this all day, not that you’d want to. The local lore about this beer is that everytime there’s free beer given away at an event, or a beer sponsor for something it’s always Soberana. They need the good will. NB: I just hear my wife laugh at loud, she’s taking pictures of monkeys around the house, clearly more fun than a barrel, I mean a back yard, of monkeys. So Soberana, only if it’s that or water.

Next on the ladder of is Atlas. It may suggest carrying the weight of the world on its shoulders but it is liquid meh.

Not undrinkable but forgetable, nothing to write home about and barely enough to blog about.

Another extremely forgetable product, which was surprising considering the same brewery is our winner was Balboa Ice.

Named after a gimmicky brewing process from the 90’s once advertised by Michael Ironside and probably a mass murderer (not a boxer), because which conquistadore wasn’t? Balboa ice tastes of barely anything. My palate is average at best, but this left no impression at all, just a void where a memory of flavour should have been.

Our second place/runner up is Panama lager. I had a more romantic, epic picture but it disappeared into the abyss with the life of my iPhone, this crop job will have to do, I doubt we will buy it again.

Not bad, a bit stronger on the taste of cereal and not as bitter, the overall taste could be more pronounced, but in the absence of other stuff a decent bet.

Before announcing our winner I need to make an honourable mention. We found a mini brewery on the beach, on the road from town to our house. That’s right, small batch beers on the beach.

So the beer was actually pretty good and the waitress very nice, also she wanted a D&C sticker for her fridge and for her car.  The question is, do you really want a double chocolate mango IPA when you are sitting on a beach with the ocean in your eyes? Not so much. As much as it would work during a wet Montreal autumn, here, in 40 degrees and sunny weather, less so. Still, props for making good beer.

So if you’re ever in Panama, and you need a safe bet for a beer this is your choice: Balboa!

Quite the name it is. In fact, the local money, taken and given on par with the American dollar is called the Balboa as well. It is named after the (very) early 16th century explorer and conquistador Vasco Nuñez de Balboa.

Mister Balboa probably had a roguish streak in him. In 1500 he took part in a mission to explore what would become Panama. To put this into context, historians argue about an end date for the Middle Ages and usually put it at around 1440, the invention of the Gutenberg press and thus the end of reliance on manuscripts and all that that implies (monks, limited distribution, etc.). 1453, the fall of Constantinople, and the end of the continuous Roman empire as well as the end of a Christian Empire in the Levant. Or 1492, also a popular date because it marks the end of the Reconquista (so in a way it signals the termination of the crusades and of a reality that goes back to before Charlemagne, the presence of Moors in Europe), of course it is also the date of the (re)discovery of the New World by Christopher Columbus. So it is a very easy bet to say that Mister Balboa was probably born at the tail end of the Middle Ages, certainly his parents  were still products of the culture of the late medieval period.

Balboa makes money on his expedition to proto Panama, enough to start a farm on Hispaniola (Haiti and the DR today). He must have sucked as a farmer because he ends up in debt, serious enough so that (the story goes) he flees the island as a stowaway hidden in a barrel, with his dog no less. The short version is that he’s discovered, but his knowledge of Panama is deemed important, he proves popular with the men, defeats natives in a battle and in 1510 founds the first permanent settlement in the Americas. Not bad for someone we’ve never heard of. I guess our history classes sucked. Through fighting natives and other Spaniards he eventually becomes governor of a province. After the usual shenanigans of conquistadors he will, in 1513, “discover” and claim for Spain, the Pacific ocean. Internal power struggles followed and Balboa ended up on the wrong side of the executioner’s ax in 1519. So sort of a mixed legacy yes?

I’m not sure how he would feel about it, but today, besides the coins, the best beer in Panama is named after him. Sort of feels like famous in your day forgotten now hey?

Still, there you go, go to beer in Panama, Balboa. You’re welcome.

Posted without being reread.