I mean it.

Let me be brutally blunt, we put up with so much shit as normal joe air travellers, and are often treated (one way or another) so very poorly, that flying with Copa Airlines and Air Panama was a series of little wow moments. Check-in counters? Properly staffed, the net result is that you don’t wait THREE FRICKIN’ HOURS in line among a horde of pissed off people standing around like cattle and nearly miss your flight for Europe. I’m looking at you Air Transat. Yes you, don’t turn away, you want to save on costs, I get it, but sometimes you go too far. Check-in at Montreal with Copa? Maybe ten minutes tops, even faster in Panama City.

On board the pleasantness continues. Headphones? Free. So all of you airlines that charge for headphones please take a good look in the mirror and think what your parents would say. Is this how they raised you? There’s also a reasonable choice of movies or tv, I watched Deadpool. Also decent to good food (I’m being honest, it ain’t the Savoy but it’s better than average or nothing) served with a smile. Real metal utensils. I’m not joking, an actual metal knife. It’s nice not to be treated like a crazy four year old. Do you really think someone is going to take over a plane with a butter knife?

I’m writing this from a runway in Panama City, we have a 2 hours and 25 minutes flight to Cancun, I’ll let you know about service shortly, my expectations are high because yesterday I got a real shock. (Note: Yup, we’ve been airborne for 25 minutes or so and the carts of goodness just rolled by to the head of the aisle.)

So yesterday (at the time of writing, but back to my story), we were on a small internal flight, lasting about one hour, from Bocas Del Toro to Panama City with Air Panama. Something of a (very) small town airport, the kind where you can leave a sticker on an electrical panel door without going to jail.

It seems none of the x-ray machines worked, so people pawed at our things, which is fine, (sorry about the smelly stuff), and there was a crab with us past security in the waiting room. I like. We were waiting for a 40 seater commuter prop plane, late because of heavy rains. It happens, no worries. Good move to have planned for a night in Panama City and not be nervous about the connection. The aircraft looked a bit dated, I could not figure out what it was, it looked like an older airframe retrofitted with turbo props. Turns out it was a real Fokker. That Dutch aviation company has been defunct since 1996.

That was not the shock though, the shock was that 5 minutes after take-off the cabin crew started handing out snacks (plantain chips), and I couldn’t believe my ears but I think they said something about a free drinks service. That can’t be right I say to myself, we’re on an one hour flight… I’m not sure you would get the time of day for free on a Montreal-Toronto flight. The trolley comes around and we are offered various drinks, juices, pop, water, etc… Ron con hiello? I inquire tentatively. Si. A real bottle of Abuelo anejo is produced and a liberal amount poured over ice. Gen chooses Panama lager. This is going to be a chill flight, which works out nicely because it had a few bumpy bits in it, I’m talking World War 2 bumpy. Some passengers let a few screams escape their clenched teeth, no, not me, time flies when you’re having rum.

From memory a gin and tonic on Porter from, from YUL to YYZ is 5$. My least favourite experience however was on a Montreal-San Francisco flight, around six hours, basically what it takes to get to Paris. In my memory nothing complimentary whatsoever, maybe some water, otherwise SFA (not the airport code, that’s SFO). All I got was attitude in the form of a snide comment when exiting the plane for ordering a few (paying) drinks, (no I did not behave like a jackass, I did my best to sleep). That was Air Canada, unfortunate for generally they are a great airline, but that time was quite disappointing frankly. Of course US airlines are just as bad if not worse. I get that the flight attendants deal with all sorts of stuff but why be rude to someone who isn’t rude to you? I’m sorry, I don’t fly every day of the week, so I don’t know what do to like you do. And don’t get me started on leg room, which incidentally is very good on this flight (there’s easily three to four inches between my knees and the next seat), also we checked two pieces of luggage each at no extra cost (so the dive bags don’t have to be stowed under the seat in front: more room, thank you Copa). What’s the airline where you pay to check-in even a single bag? I don’t remember, probably better that way. If you ask me the cost for flying cheaply is just getting too high.

Really, is it that much more expansive to operate airlines in the US and Canada? What is it, the wages? The taxes? More expansive maintenance? The social benefits? The market needing ever cheaper tickets down to frickin’ cents? Or plain old greed? Is it the consumer’s fault or the airline’s? What about the unions? Curious to know what you think, let me know in the comments if you feel strongly about it one way or another.

By the way, we are flying over the Caribbean sea and the colours are just beautiful, turquoise and deep blues alternating with the whiteness of puffy clouds, now a long stretch of beaches just came into view. Can you imagine what Gauguin or Monet could have done with vistas like that?

(Note: the food choice is empanadas, either spicy chicken or beef with cheese. Granted it’s more of a snack than a meal but they are surprisingly tasty and warm, the beef is the better more flavoursome option. Also drinks, I get ron anejo on ice and Gen has a rum and coke, I repeat, this is a 2 hours and 25 minutes flight).

This allows me to keep on “working”.

Our flight from Cancun to Montreal will be with Rouge, they are Air Canada’s bargain brand. I remember flying with them from Curaçao once, we ran into some issues on the tarmac related to the heat. An error message from a sensor kept the plane from taking off (which I’m all in favour of btw), but as there was an Air Can engineer on board (as a passenger) he was able to take care of it somehow (I’m guessing a sharp blow with the flat of the hand, or more likely signing some sort of security waiver…), or so the pleasant captain said anyhow. We will see how the next flight goes. We are landing soon, more in a few hours. Be well!

I’m back, on a Mexican runway, and fuuuuuuuuuuck.

By natural inclination, I have a tendency to swear quite a bit. Perhaps I was some sort of sailor in a previous life, or a mule driver or a drill instructor, I don’t know, my point is I try to curtail my profanity when I write, I find it not overly classy, but godsfuckingdammit that was a stressful connection. Not as bad as that time in Miami but close, who plans those things and did he/she learn playing Airport Tycoon? One longish line more and instead of battered shrimp and a shoe shine it would have been a night in Cancun.

Yes, airports are liminal places and strange things happen. A man my own height, except I was sitting down and he wasn’t, wanted to shine my shoes. To put this n context I was sitting down to eat something before the next plane in 30 minutes, and I felt iffy about it but okay. In an ocean of sneakers and (shudder shudder Uggs and Crocs), he zeroed in on my boots from half way across the airport, did a hell of a job too. Thank you Julio.

Sidebar: there is no need to travel sloppy. Shapeless clothes, sweatpants and scrunchies belong in nightmares only. Even on your ultimate laundry day you can make a bit of an effort. You’re in public, you’re travelling, you’re talking to customs officials and strangers, at the very least don’t wear anything holding with elastics. Also if you’re a man, after 10 years of age, flip-flops and bermudas belong only on the beach or backyard barbecues. Do I really have to say these things? Looks like.

Why the drama? In Cancun we landed at terminal 1, but had to find terminal 3, which we did not know we had to go to. That meant a bus ride, that comes very 20 to 30 minutes. Then we could not check-in via the self serve thingamajigs, also we needed to recheck the bags and go through security, again, the third time today. That was after already being in line for a good while and passing customs, immigration, waiting a long time for our bags and going through security (on the way OUT of the airport), and then having to recheck our bags and pass security again. I’m repeating myself for effect. My carry-on has been x-rayed or inspected at least 5 times in the last 24 hours, and I’m not counting the dog that came around sniffing twice. In all of this I managed to make a joke to a 5 year old about urinary infections in Thailand. Perhaps you had to be there, maybe better you weren’t. In short a three hour layover went from leisurely to nervous real fast.

Sitting in my seat is a huge relief. I’m glad we could catch a bite to eat as well, because as surmised there’s no food on this flight, well there are three dollar mini Pringles boxes and other outrageously priced foodstuffs but that feels like highway robbery. There are no screens anywhere in the plane and my knees are actually touching the seat in front.

Apparently there is some big weather over Florida so we will pass over NOLA, adding some time to the flight. Works for me. The plane is not overly crowded, in fact there’s been an empty seat in our row for all of our major flights on this trip, but still, if you haven’t eaten and have no credit card, it sucks being you.

The chief steward, Jean-Baptiste, lovely french accent, recommends we download the entertainment application, good idea, but how? We are sitting in the plane, there are no networks. They will rent you an iPad for ten bucks though. Did I mention earphones are $3.50 a pop? Also rum is $6.50 a shot. Like I said, this ain’t Copa. For the record a Kit-Kat is also 3.50, and if you want Glenlivet, possibly the most pedestrian single malt out there (along with Glennfidich) it will be 8.50 thank you very much. High. Way. Robbery. To be fair they are handing out water and juice and they will come around a second time during the flight. Just once for paying drinks though, what’s that about, do people really fly off the handle if they have two drinks? Just curious, maybe there’s a rational to all this that escapes me. Maybe there’s a lot of morons that can’t hold their (vacation?) liquor.

I decide to have a rum on ice, like I did earlier today, for research purpose only. Two choices, Bacardi white or Captain Morgan spiced. I wouldn’t touch the later with a ten foot pole (as long as there was other stuff to drink), plus coming from the city he sacked it would feel wrong. Bacardi it is.

It ain’t Abuelo that’s for certain. It’s rough and exactly as expected just middle of the road meh. I could have thrown in a mixer, that works well enough, but I was curious.  Brhrrhghegh, that last sip was on the rough side.

You know, I still don’t understand. Charge me ten dollars more on the ticket, give me the “free” drink(s) and I’ll be happy, plus you’ll make extra money from people that don’t drink. What kind of pc thinking, puritanical, penny pinching fuckery is this? Ooooops, I just pulled a Britney. This will be close to a five hour flight, I still find it shocking that they won’t even give out peanuts. When I have construction guys over at the house I offer them coffee and I’m the one paying them. It feels like a breach of the most basic etiquette not to do so. What happened to basic savoir vivre, or am I crazy?

Honestly I think I’ll fly Copa whenever I can. It might even influence the destinations we go to.

See how this works?